Notebook
by AngeDREAMS
Summary: Alone in one's struggle against the demons in the head, sometimes you just need to let it all out. When you are trying so hard to piece everything together and 'be okay', you really do need a place for release and be yourself. In a world where no one can play judge, where no expectations are placed on our Ryoma, that's where he is the freest. And often the darkest. TRIGGER ALERT!
1. Help me

I lay helplessly on my side, by the bed, allowing drops of my overwhelming emotions to escape through my eyes.

I screamed, I yell, I punched against the wall, feeling the blood trickling down my knuckles. Till the point of exhaustion.

But no one was there. No one was there to hear it all. No one knows. No one cares.

My vision tunnels into total darkness. I can't see the light, I can't see the end to this tunnel. I am hopelessly alone in the battle inside my head. No one can see the intense fight in my head.

I have so many words left unsaid, so many emotions left unexpressed, so many needs left unmet. I need someone to be there. But there is no one. At such times like this, I start to suspect that, maybe, actually, perhaps, I do need help.

Frantically, I swipe open my phone and scrolled through desperately my contact list. But, damn those voices. They started muttering, chanting, invading my mind.

"You are bothering others with your issues?!"

"Do you think they will actually care?"

"You can't even handle yourself you this emotional wreck!"

"You are just going to disappoint others with your weakness, you letdown!"

I stared widely at the screen. I can't possibly dial the numbers. I can't. The possibility of hearing a human voice is just right in front of me, yet, I can't.

The possibility of hearing someone talking to me is just right in front of me. Yet, I can't.

What should I say should they pick up their phone? "Hello, I am just feeling a little lonely, and would like to hear your human voice."?

A fucking despo, they would think. No, there is no way I am going to dial. I would rather die alone, with dignity than to appear as a helpless dog. Hence, I switched off my phone, distancing myself from the temptation.

As I lay wide awake, staring at the ceiling, feeling the blood trickling down my knuckles, craving so badly for human contact, I start to contemplate the fact that I might need help. Just that I can't get help.

This is probably why I started this notebook. This is by no means a girly, wimpy diary ranting about life.

This is a collection of my cry for help. To no one in particular.

* * *

Hi friends! Thank you for picking up this story. The first 3 chapters are just monologues, subsequently, a story will develop. I feel that these monologues are essential to establish the state of mind our Ryoma-kun is in right now, so hope you will immerse yourself better into the story before we start the story proper! Once again thank you for your support!


	2. Self Introduction

Let me do some self-introduction.

People think that I am a tennis prodigy and this might be a reason contributing to the state I am in today. Having won many competitions in Japan and as part of the well-known Seigaku regular, I was considered to have great potential in tennis. Not to mention having Echizen Nanjiroh as my dad. People have expectations of me. Which, I didn't mind much actually. In fact, I am grateful for such expectations. They keep me on my toes. They are the reason why I breath, why I live. They force me to progress, by leaps and bounds. And I have great parents who fully support me in my quest to be the best. They are willing to sacrifice the world for me, just to see me grow and develop.

However, I don't understand. Why me? Why will they want to sacrifice so much for someone like me? Sure, I may be exceptionally good in tennis back then, but I don't worth a single investment they made for me.

Why me? As much as I love friendly competitions and expectations, but why will they have expectations of me? This got me up and anxious. Thoughts of 'what if I cannot meet up to their expectations?' 'what if I remained stagnant in my progress?' will people be disappointed in me? will they stop having expectations of me, or considering me to be someone unworthy of being their equal? I am so afraid that I will lose such recognition from people. Call me vain, but the prospect of being left behind and forgotten terrifies me. Especially so these days.

Perhaps such fear drove me to train intensively. To the point of no return.

I still remember clearly what happened that day. I was very tired, my sore muscles begging me to stop. But I can't stop. I only have 24 hours in a day! I have to maximise the little time I have and train to the best of my ability. No time for rest, no time for breaks!

Well, I wished I had listened to my body that day. Or maybe back then, during that period of time. Because the next thing I know, I feel a stinging pain in both of my arms (A dual player like me trains both arms equally) and then there came paralysis. From then on, I can't even hold my cutlery properly with my arms anymore, let alone the racket. My potential career as a tennis player is dashed. No more.

I won't want to elaborate on all the medical jargons and stuff. To sum up everything, basically, I have injured my arms to the point that I can't play anymore. However, the doctor cursed me with some glints of hope. He brought us into knowing of this school or hospital, I don't really know what you want to call it, which helps injured athletes to recover.

My parents eagerly grabbed onto the glints of hope and signed the application form to enrol me in. Despite the huge financial cost.

The institution is on the other side of the country. My parents couldn't move in with me as it would be inconvenient for them to travel long distance to work. So, I have been living all on my own most of the time, since the beginning of the year. They also hired a part-time maid to help me with basic household chores, but once she is done, she is gone. And I will be left alone on my own, in my thoughts.

After months of treatment, I am beginning to see improvement in the dexterity of my arms. (That's why I can still scribble some words in this book) But at the same time, I am beginning to hear of deprovement in the living state of my dear parents.

They got themselves in a shit pile of debts, all because of me. The worthless, handicapped me.

I wonder why don't they just give up on me. All their efforts wasted on me just makes me feel, even more guilty, even more hurt. It would take at least a few good years before I can start using my arms normally. And then even more years before I could play a decent match again. By then I would probably be too old to even play competitive tennis already. It is impossible for me to play competitively anymore. All their efforts on me are **simply wasted.**

I wish they could understand this and just give up on me. Someday, when I disappear, perhaps that will do them great service. They will then no longer be burdened by me.

Someday, when I disappear, perhaps that will do them great service. They will then no longer be burdened by me.

Someday, when I disappear, perhaps that will do them great service. They will then be able to move on properly with life, doing whatever they please.


	3. Lost

_Don't tell me you will be there for me, when you don't mean it._

Meh, just kidding. I don't really need you to be there actually. I am fine on my own, I mean, I don't really expect you to mean it anyway.

* * *

I still remember the scenerio, before I board the plane. The entire Seigaku team was there with me, with the graduated seniors I have grown up with and the juniors I have spent time with.

"Echizen, if you ever need help, text us kay! we are just a text away, nyaa!"

"When you are done, join us for a match or two alright! We are waiting!" Momo-chan senpai flashes his reassuring smile.

It was a pretty heart-warming scene. The thought of having people caring for me, thinking about me, reassures my fears. If only they did follow through what they said.

It's been months since I have last heard from them. Initially, we were actively conversing over WhatsApp. But life happens, they got busy, i got depressed and we have never spoken since.

Times I really wish they would just text me something. Anything. How I wish someone will be there listening to me.

How self-centered I am, really. People have their life to live! Why should they bother themselves and spend time talking to a person like me, who can't even get a life worth living for myself? Must I bother others to make my own life entertaining?

I am seriously getting annoyed over my reliance on people. It sickens me, to think that I needed people. Part of me is desperate for human touch, yet another part of me hates my desperation. I am so conflicted, I don't even know what I want anymore.

 _To crave, or not to crave? That is the question—_

 _Whether '_ tis _nobler in the mind to suffer_

 _The disappointment of being neglected by trusted people,_

 _Or to take arms against such weakness,_

 _And, crush such desire and reliance?_

Okay, I know I am being weird now. This notebook is the only place I can be myself. Let me at least have this space to myself, and please do not judge, my dear other-half-of-my-mind.

Let me vent out my disappointments. Disappointment in myself for having such a disgusting weakness and desperation. Disappointment in myself for not able to even have decent interpersonal relationships with others. Why is it so easy for others to get friends, but not me? Why can't I find a life worth living? I must be the one with problems, seriously.

I should stop bothering others with my needs. I should let them go and lead their own lives. It will be great if they could forget about me, and lead a wonderful life. I sincerely wish for their happiness.

I long for a day when I will be strong. Then I will no longer have the need for people around anymore.

I long for a day when I can be alone. In darkness and in eternal peace.


	4. Trapped Rat

I sometimes feel that it will be better if I cease to exist. Then I can just float aimlessly around the atmosphere, not caring about anything at all. Unfortunately, reality is a bitch, and being a student, the fact that you have to be in class every day and be accountable for your attendance in class kind of forces you to exist.

Today was one of the days I wish I could just rot away and disappear from the face of the earth. Well, that's not possible when you have school, and the act of truancy could land you to the principal's office, and worse still, a call to the parents. I don't really need to bother them anymore with behavioural issue to be honest.

So I decided to force myself to attend class instead. And tried to sit through the lessons, go through group discussions, unnoticed. Things werent that bad, til lunchtime came.

People started leaving for the canteen in packs. Meanwhile, I decided that it will much better for me to act as a diligent student, and stay in class to revise my work instead. Sitting alone in the otherwise crowded canteen will only emphasize the fact that I am a friendless loner, and I have no wish to stick out like a sore thumb there.

I would rather go hungry than to go noticed.

However, it seems like Lady Luck is not on my side today.

I didn't know Buchou studied in the same institution too.

He went pass my class and saw me. And decided to drop in and give me a visit.

My heart almost stopped when he called to me, announcing my name so loudly and clearly for all the hear.

'Isn't that Tezuka? What?! He knows Echizen?'

'Ehh... I wonder what relationship they share'

'How did that Echizen managed to get acquainted with Tezuka!?'

At that moment, I desperately wish for a rope to appear from nowhere for me to hang myself to death. Or an open window available for me to jump through. However, as I mentioned, lady luck isn't on my side, so none of such options are available.

As Tezuka walks closer towards me, I can literally feel people's eyes are drilling into me. I can feel my body materialising for all to see. Suddenly, I exist. I started panicking, my body trembling so badly until I lost my senses.

So I followed my primal instincts and began to ran, as far as possible.

Thinking back, I must have done a rather stupid thing. I have no idea how to go back to class tomorrow and face people's incessant questioning. Like seriously, no sane person will panic that much just by having his name called. Secondly, Tezuka would have already known my class, and he can always locate my dorm room pretty easily, given his wide connections.

Simply put, I am a trapped rat. I want to escape, I need to escape, I want to leave this place, I don't want to return back anymore, **I need to leave, I got to run.**

 _But to where?_


	5. Smell of Death

The sun still continues to shine, even as men goes to war, women desperate for food, when children crying for their mother. It still shines. Even if the earth is wiped out, the sun will still continue to shine. Brightly, happily, beautifully, radiantly; who cares about the tiny weeny earth, seriously.

Brightly, happily, beautifully, radiantly; who cares about the tiny weeny earth, seriously.

What more about the existence of one human being, out of the billion others?

No, I am kidding, all of us are really important people, please do not give up hope on yourself, your existence matters so much to the people around you. You could possibly grow up to be a Steve Jobs or an Albert Einstein who changes the entire world with their brains and commitments.

Like seriously.

* * *

I tear open the package and stuffed in whatever in it inside my mouth. and swallowed it.

The trick worked. The anticipated fever kicks in, followed by double vision, weakness, nausea, headache...etc.

No way am I going back to that class.

Satisfied with the state of my health, I dialed for the office and told them I feeling a little sick and wasn't able to attend class.

They arranged me an appointment with a doctor so that I can get a medical certificate to prove that I am really sick, and not some rebellious kid calling in to play truancy.

I guess I am really sick in the head.

After a few hours later when I got to finally see the doctor, the doctor just gave me a quick glance and stamp on my MC to make it valid.

"Are you sure you are just a _little_ sick, boy?"

"Yea, this is how I usually look like when I am sick, so you don't really have to worry much. I just need some time to rest."

Semi-convinced, the doctor opened the door for me, so that I can leave the clinic with ease.

It's so easy.

When I finally returned back to the apartment, I had no strength left in me. The moment I opened the door (after minutes of fumbling through the lock) I went straight ahead to the couch and collapse right into it.

For a moment I seriously thought I am going to die. My heart is palpitating; I can literally the organ thumping hard against my chest, squelching and contracting each time when it jumps. An intense pain starts building up in my chest, I can feel my lungs tightening and even breathing becomes such a chore.

Despite the unpleasantness and pain, somehow, somewhere deep in me _wants more._

I rolled down the sofa, and start crawling my way to the table. To where the _bags of medicine_ are.


	6. Smell of Death II

_Words in italics: Inner thoughts_

* * *

In the midst of my crawl, suddenly someone came into my room. I must have forgotten to lock the doors. Oh, stupid me.

"Echizen... Oh, what are you doing?!"

That tinge of surprise and horror in that usually stoic voice. It's buchou.

He responded the same way as what normal human beings would do. He lifted me up (with ease), and carried the dangling half-corpse across the living room, to the sofa. Before sprinting to the kitchen and got me a few glasses of water.

"Drink it. It will make you feel better."

 _That bitch. I don't want to feel better, doesn't he get it?!_

But I still drank it down anyway. I don't want to give an impression that I am abnormal.

"How are you feeling now? Better?"

"Yea."

"I think you need to see the doctor again-"

"No. She says I am fine. I am alright. Thank you for your concern. I think you can make your way now."

"You call this fine?" He grabbed my thin, fragile wrist.

 _Fuck off, don't you dare meddle into my life_

"You should take a look at yourself in the mirror!"

He said it. The trigger word.

 _WHY THE FUCK WILL I WANNA SEE MYSELF IN THE MIRROR?!_

I convulsed. And vomited. All over him and myself.

* * *

He looked disgusted. I am sure he does. I didn't dare to look up to see his face.

So much effort on my part to make myself look presentable. To look normal at least. I feel so stupid to have even tried.

He didn't react. I wish he did. He could have just stand up and walked away. Or tell me straight in my face. 'Echizen, you are such a disgusting being.' But he didn't. I grimaced, waiting for any response from him.

I wish I can fade away at this instance. But I can't. Omg w _Why am I so hopelessly disgusting?_

'Echizen.' He finally spoke. In his clear and authoritative tone.

I paralysed. _Finally_

'Have you eaten anything yet.'

I didn't reply. _Did he sniffed out something?_

He sighed.

'Let's go clean ourselves up?'

I didn't budge. _I don't care about all these petty stuff, I just want you to leave!_

'Let me make you some food.' He stood up, making his way to the washroom first to wash off the green-yellowish bile.

Dayum. He probably has it all figured out.

* * *

I can feel an intense anger bubbling from within. All of the sudden, it feels like i am no longer in control of myself anymore.

"Get out, **now!** " A raw, unfamiliar voice rose up from my diaphragm.

 _I have never screwed up so badly before, Why must I screw up now?_

"Echizen, I am just cleaning myself up!" For the first time, I actually saw Tezuka's face looking so annoyed.

"No, you can clean up somewhere else. You probably have tons of friends living around the area, you can use their rooms instead. Get out, **NOW**!" That voice sounds livid.

 _What happens if he starts telling his many friends about me?_

"Echizen, what's wrong with you?" He tried to grab hold onto my trembling frame, tried to look into my eyes and reason with me, but I can't care anymore, I have lost control over myself.

"There is nothing wrong with me, more like, I should be asking, what is wrong with you? You just come into my dorm room without being invited and started making yourself so cosy in the area here? You are not welcomed here, **AND I WANT YOU TO BE OUT NOW!** "

In my rage, I muster all my strength and push Tezuka out of the house, slamming the door right at his face.

 _I am so done with myself now._


	7. Aftermath

_Ryoma-sama looks so cool! He is so well-built, so smart and so athletic! Kyaa being able to see my prince every day in school is such a blessing!_

 _Good job in getting all the As in your subject. You see, I was quite worried when I learnt about your intense tennis commitment however after seeing this spectacular result of yours, I am more assured now._

 _Echizen fought against Tezuka!_

 _Really? Omy! Buchou is really serious about this kid_

 _Be the pillar of Seigaku!_

* * *

I jumped from the bed, and a sharp pain shot through my skull as I did rigorous movements, thus sending me reeling back to the bed.

After a while, as the pain subsides, I start to take notice of my surroundings. Teal blue walls and neatly packed shelves, lined with many difficult looking books and trophies. Tennis trophies. Not mine.

 _Why the hell am I here?_

As if on cue, Buchou stepped into the room with freshly prepared Okayu.

'I wasnt sure about leaving you alone in the apartment and true enough, my gut feeling was right. You were lying on the ground in your own puke less than 5 minutes after I left you alone. Hence I brought you here. Anyway, how are you feeling now?'

'I am very fine, actually'

'Well, I can see that.'

'If all is well, I think I should move out first'

'Not before you finish this Okayu. I spent time making it.'

The mention of food made me flare up. Then again, which normal person would be angry at having food to eat?

 _I must not look abnormal._

Grudgingly. I stuff the porridge into my mouth, hopefully the act of doing so will allow me to retain whatever bit of normalcy I have to my name.

'It's been ages since we last talk uh.' Tezuka looked out into the window with his distant eyes.

'I guess we were all busy.' I look hard at the porridge, trying not to think of anything else. _just eat and leave like a normal person!_

'True. But we will always be here for you if you need us. We cant always be actively around, but we will surely be there in your time of need.'

Awkward silence.

'So how's your life so far? Made any friends?' Tezuka tried to change the topic

'No thanks. I need no friends or anyone or any help. I am perfectly fine on my own and I hope you will respect that. I will like to leave right now.'

Tezuka grabbed onto me.

'We... We will always be here for you. Dont forget that.' He muttered with hesitation, attempting to smile.

I muster whatever energy to feign a smile, 'Yea, but you dont have to bother yourself, really. Thanks anyway.'

Finally, I get to leave.


	8. Aftermath II

The moment I locked my apartment doors, i dashed immediately to the toilet.

 _Why must he turn up in my life and disrupt the orderliness i have in my life? Who does he think he is? My messiah?_

I bent over the toilet bowl and punched 2 fingers down my throat

 _I_ dont _need,_ dont _deserve,_ dont _want, any saving, any help,_ any _grace, I just want to disappear._

Wave after wave of food climbed up from my guts, poured out from my mouth. The sensation of the material food leaving my body makes me feel lighter and cleaner. With each bits of food leaving my body, I felt that a part of me gradually evaporates into thin wisp of air.

 _That's right. I dont need to exist. I dont need any help. I dont need to be a burden to anyone anymore._

After I am done with my deed, I crawled out on all fours from the toilet. I need to repent for my mistakes today.

 **I have exceeded my calories count. Dear diary, perhaps today is the day I should really kill myself.**

 _If_ i _didn't screw up, if_ i _did_ locked _my doors Buchou_ wouldnt _find me. If I acted normally and not scream at Buchou, he will not cast suspicions and hence checked on me again. If that_ didnt _happen I_ wouldnt _be forced to eat the Okayu and hence exceeding my calories count. The only saving grace would be that I get to reach home in time before my disgusting guts continue to greedily digest the food, thus I could rid of any evil inside my guts. But there is no way I could retrieve back the digested food that's circulating in my blood right now in this instance. Dear diary, I am really losing my sanity. I have never exceeded my calories target before. I have been a disciplined and good boy. IF I_ didnt _screw up, things will be fine. I could continue my streak of not failing in this aspect of my life. But now, alas, I have failed. What can I do to redeem myself? Absolutely nothing._

Today has been an eventful yet an apocalyptic day indeed.


	9. Life plans

_Why on earth is suicide selfish?_

You guys don't know anything at all. It's selfish from your point of view, but you guys are being selfish for not considering things from my perspectives too. Not like you particularly needed me anyway, so why are you keeping me in your life? You just wanted to keep me to make your life more complete and make yourself feel better. But I don't feel good at all. I feel trapped in my own body. Every single moment of my life I am haunted by the demons in my head. They make my life such a living hell. Every single moment of my life I am screwing up. Tell me, how am I suppose to coexist with the one person that I hate the most, aka me? You guys laugh and smile and live every single day, free of such intense feelings. You simply don't understand. I cannot tolerate living with myself, I need a way out. If you really loved me and understand me, you will let me go, You will let me a chance to escape from myself.

 _Why on earth is self-harm screwed up?_

Why are you judging me with those eyes of yours when you see the scars on my wrists and the protruding collar bones, or the thick eyes bags under my eyes? Am I an alien, a freak? I am a human being too, just that my source of pleasure is slightly different from you guys. I enjoy torturing, taking revenge on the person I hate. Aka myself. Don't you enjoy the sensation you get when you see the one you hate the most suffer because of your action? Like you are in control of how your enemies feel? Even if it's at the cost of your life? That's the same for me too. So don't you dare judge me and my scars. These scars, they deserve to be there. Those signs of malnourishment? This body vessel that you are seeing doesn't even deserve to be alive. He is just alive because he doesn't have the guts to implode his head with a gun. Nor the heart to further diminish the hopes of his parents, not after they made such a hefty investment on him. For now, he will try to live as peacefully as possible with himself. He will try to live on because he has the obligation as a filial son to fulfil.

But he has no idea how long will this obligation bind him to this earth. One day, he might lose his mind and heck all the cares in the world.

One day, if he can no longer carry the burdens of having to live on, he may ,for once, do something for himself. End himself.

Perhaps suicide is selfish after all. But the suicidal person is never selfish.

* * *

Dear notebook, I am telling you all these because there is no one i can tell this too. I think my parents will be so disappointed if they were to hear of this. They slogged so hard and got themselves into debt because of me. If only i didn't injure myself things would have been fine. I cannot afford to disappoint them anymore. The least I could do is to support them till they are gone, just like how they have supported me as i grew. That's probably the only reason why I am sticking around on this earth. If i were to talk to the others, they will probably think of me as a creep. Or perhaps they might take it upon themselves to care for me. There's no way I am going to further burden others anymore.

I am starting to have second doubts on whether I should keep this notebook. From that close encounter with Buchou, I realised that it's quite easy for people to chance upon this notebook and if they are nosey enough, they may delve into the content. Then I am ruin. There's no way I am going to allow other people to interfere with my life. However life will be so much difficult without you, my sole confidant. Hence, I have decided. Should any one day anyone open up this notebook and figure out it's me, that's the day i will kill myself, regardless of my decision to stay alive for my parent's sake. I dont know why I am telling you all these but, sigh. I guess I am really going mad with every day passing.

Signing off, Ryoma.


End file.
